Taking Care of Myself

I need this time for myself.
I’m tired of giving myself to others.
I have to give myself to myself.
It feels so good to just breathe.
I’ve been avoiding myself
by being around everyone else.
I wanted others to be happy.
I wanted others to make me happy.
I know that will never happen.
I was happy giving others advice.
Advice that I should’ve taken.
Advice that my ex told me.
Advice that my sis told me.
That my therapist told me.
That everybody has told me.
I wonder if this is how he felt.
It kills me inside not knowing
he needed help.
And I said, "I’m here for you"
but he didn’t even try.
I wanted to take care of others.
Compensate for what
my past couldn't give to me.
What I don't feel my present
is giving to me.

I'm scared of being home on wknds
with my mother talking to herself.
It's not easy hearing her yell at herself.
I thought she was arguing with my father.
I get out of my house because of my mom.
My house is not a home.
Not when she's alone
and showing me how
insecure she is.
It's tough.
I'm afraid that in the middle of it,
she will not see a good person,
but a creation of my father
or a resemblance of her;
what she wanted to be
and will want to hurt me
'cause this is what she wishes
she could be.
Toxic environment.
So I hide in my room.
I'm even afraid of my room.
Afraid my negative thoughts
will get the best of me.
But I'm strong.
I've been strong all along.

We’ve loved so much.

We have been betrayed by lust.

So much that we are afraid of human touch.

We are filled with tears in our eyes

And burning, yearning fire in our hearts.

I ask myself this question:

If you love yourself enough,

you will be able to show me who you are.

And if I see you for who you really are,

I will accept it

because you know what?

I have done things

and been easily influenced.

It doesn’t make you a bad person

unless you believe it.

If you believe you're good,

you're good.

It makes you human!

Will you let me near you,

or will you hide away from me?

Will you make me run the other way or stay?

Will you tell me how you feel today

or will you make me wait?

　

We all suffer from depression.

We’re just afraid to say it.

Why? We can’t avoid it.

Our brains are different.

We will slowly go insane

if we don’t control

our negative thoughts.

So control them!

Before they control you.

Who’s holding me? Me.

Who’s feeding me? Me.

Who’s tucking me in? Me.

I'm a prisoner of my own body.
My thoughts and words.
I'm in my thoughts,
and when my thoughts are racing,
it means I'm thinking and looking for an answer,
and you'll see my eyes going back and forth like crazy.
I cannot listen to a word
because I am emotionally drained
by all the changes around me,
and I'm trying to digest it all but it's too much sometimes.
I wanna scream, I wanna cry but not in public, not outside.
Inside, I gotta find a house, I gotta talk to someone, let it out.
Oof ok I did it, but it's not enough. I'm still stuck.
Stuck with not enough self-love but I must not give up.

 I Loved You With A Fire Red Now It's Turning Blue. - "Apologize" by One Republic

Where My Rage Comes From

The child in me was hurt, wants to give up, receive love, and be taken care of.

The teenager in me was sad, wants to have fun, drop her stuff, and not give a what.

The adult in me stays mad, wants to put me first, work, school, family, friends, then love.

What did I ever see in you?

Back then because I was naïve,

I thought you were so cool.

I wanted to be like you.

Now that I’m aware,

you act like such a fool.

In my dreams, I hate you.

Who the f**k are you?

He’s doing things to impress me.

And I’m thinking he’s crazy.

Why can’t he just be him?

He can't, he doesn't know who he is.

For some reason, I want to show him.

You could be a good guy or a good girl,

but the way you go about it seems quite the opposite.

You were into me, but now you act like you don’t care.

So I lost all hope. Let me know when you need me.

Don't take too long 'cause I don't know if I'll be there.

I’m tired of taking care of everyone.

I wanna be taken care of but there’s no one.

So I’ll throw my hands up in the air

as if they were wings and fly like a dove.

I was possessed;

obsessed.

Confused it for love

when it was just lust.

Never again!

Never will I fall in love

with a man's cold heart

and hands.

I need new friends. No offense.
You tried to do your best,
but your worst you throw at me
yet give your best to the rest.

Held

He reminded me of you

when he held me

the way you used to.

I wanted to cry.

Had a glimpse

of what I wanted

for a few nights.

Pain

Pain Is Inevitable.

Suffering Is Optional.

Running & Hiding

• Running from responsibilities & hiding from judgments.
• Running from control & hiding from expectations.
• Running from myself & hiding from insecurities.
• Running from sadness & hiding from happiness.
• Running from betrayal & hiding from rejection.
• Running from familiar & hiding from feelings.
• Running from men & hiding from confusion.
• Running from thoughts & hiding from heart.
• Running from needs & hiding from wants.
• Running from past & hiding from future.
• Running from love & hiding from pain.

Mummy & Daddy

All I heard were their loud angry voices. It stopped when he walked away. I thought he was leaving her…and me. I told myself I would not be her and be left, and would not find someone like him who would leave.

Now all I hear is her angry voice and his footsteps out the door. She started it and he didn’t deserve it. Now I understand and must pay the price.

Love Triangle

“My HeroeS": So Different Yet So Similar

I remember when I laid in your arms, broke down, and you kissed my pain away.
I remember when I sat next to him, broke down, and he held my body so tightly.
I remember you getting up and worrying about your priorities and I felt neglected.
I remember him staying here and giving up his plans for me and I felt respected.

I remember when I wrote you poems, your reaction wasn’t what I had expected.
I remember when he wrote me poems, my reaction was what he had expected.
I remember when you fell asleep on my shoulder on the train, but I wasn't giving you my all.
I remember when I fell asleep on his shoulder in the movies cuz I felt he wasn't giving his all.

I remember the first time I fell asleep with you on your bed after we kissed for hours.
I remember the first time he fell asleep with me on my couch after we talked for hours.
I remember the last time I saw you we made love for hours; the last man I was with.
I remember the last time I saw him we just talked for hours; the last man I clicked with.

For you, I was good for one thing. For him, I was good for everything besides"it".

Cyclops loved Jean. Jean loved Cyclops
but her heart, mind, body, and soul belonged to Wolverine.
He loved me. I loved him
but my heart, mind, body, and soul belonged to you. 

Depression

I wish I could tell you...
I found out today I can be considered bi-polar,
but more on the depressed side.

That's why I couldn't drink.
It increased the anxiety and sad feelings.
But when I yelled at you,
I was manic.
When I was ecstatic to see you,
it was because you took me out of my depression.
You  made me feel like shit
when you looked at me and said,
"What's wrong with you?"
What's wrong with me? I'm happy to see you!
You should know that, but you knew
you were an insensitive person all along.
You gave me reason to hate your guts more.
Thanks for understanding.
Your friend suffered from depression,
and you were there for him.
What about me?
You hurt me when you avoided me.
Why couldn't you tell me you loved me,
and just wanted to be alone for a bit?
Why did you prevent me from
participating in your private life?
What the fuck did you have to hide?!

I'm sorry I smothered you.
I overcompensated because
I wanted to be loved by you.
Hope you're having fun without me.
You have washed your hands clean of me.
I'm no longer Brendi. I'm Liz.
You killed your delicate little flower,
and turned her into a bitter bitch at times.
However, she's trying to love herself
the way she wanted you to.
Compliments, hugs, kisses, chocolate,
emotional support, laughter.
I convinced myself I didn't love you,
that it was obsession, that if I loved you,
I wouldn't be changing you into my exes (all 5 of em)
But I still miss you 'cause you were so different.
Calm. But then again, I knew you would explode.

And I didn't want to be the girl to watch you snap!
All that stuff in there will explode when the woman
you fall in love with pisses you off.
And when you scare her away,
and are left all alone because you actually
gave your heart to a "whore" instead of me,
who loved you for no reason,
you will understand what you put me through.
HELL!

Live in This Moment

From now on, I'm not going to regret my decisions.

From now on, I'm going to own up to them.

Nor am I going to wish for anything,

because once my wish was granted,

I found the negative in it.

Whatever happens, happens....happens for a reason.

No More Fear Of
Success
Failure
Rejection
Committment
Terrorists
Death
Ghosts
Bugs
The Unknown
I Deserve Good Things
Only If I Believe I Do
And I Do
It's About Time
Shit Goes Right

Faith

"If people never left us alone, we wouldn't be able to find our way and grow." - Me

Years ago, I dreamt of being in a shipwreck and I was drowning in an ocean, but a man suddenly pulled me up with no shirt on. Quite inspiring, sexy and heroic.

It could have meant so many things:
1) A man in real life will save me from my overwhelming emotions
2) It could be a flashback of when I drowned as a child and my cousin saved me
3) A guardian angel, Jesus, or God will be there for me when I'm in need

I recently had a dream that I was entering a pond with bright blue water. I slipped on a rock, and fell deep in. I held my breath and swam my way up, and let out a sigh of relief. No one to save me but myself. I found these colorful pebbles on the wall and rubbed them on my hands and feet. Who knows what that means? Probably that I don't need a rock (a man), but pebbles (friends) in my life.

I'm pretty sure that many of us want to be saved, be rescued by God, by others, and we forget that we should be saving ourselves. We should stand on our own two feet and not be waiting for someone to carry us through life. We feel empowered when we try to save others, though, like we've made a difference in their life, but sometimes we have to keep our distance for our own sanity. I've tried to save others and it has made things worse, in which the person wants more of you and doesn't see how they are affecting you with their drama and invading your space.

I've been that person, too. It becomes an obsession...only with men of course. I don't look for females to save me. My mom has done a great job being in my life. There's no understanding of boundaries or respect. We use them for our own benefit...to provide food, shelter, happiness...to get us out of our misery when the only one that can do that is US, ourselves.

That's why I don't want to do it anymore, and I don't want anyone to save me either. I want to meet an equal or at least someone smarter/wiser than me that I can learn things from. Equality makes me think of the book Anthem by Ayn Rand. Must read.


"No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt


The brain is the most powerful organ. You can make it believe anything you want it to. Even convincing it that you are strong on your own because well, we all are. Be your own angel. And then one will come to you when you're not looking.

Trust

"Trust that people are not meant to be trusted." - Dee

 

Poetry

“The Real Me”
[6/17/11]

When things get heavy, I leave.
When things get tough, I want to give up.
I laughed to compensate for the sadness.
Now I stay silent and dwell in happiness.
I never knew how flakey and fake I was,
but then again, I didn’t want to be vulnerable,
show my weakness and have people dismiss it.
I didn't know many who would give me reason,
or be bold enough to tell me I could stay.
I’m grateful for the few who saw things in me,
and years later are around to see the real me.
They saw the good, the hurt, the confused.
Sometimes I wanted to shut the world out,
but I would miss out on these friendships,
and the possibility of a loving relationship.
I didn’t want to be back to where I started
when I was in my room all broken-hearted.
As hesitant as I am of diving in the unknown,
I really don’t want to be successful on my own.
I want someone I can share things with and hold,
who can keep me warm when I’m frickin' cold,
who will be proud when I‘m up on my cloud,
who can be my rock when I hit rock bottom.

Fathers

“Fathers”

I have a father.

He’s not the sugar-coated father

we see on the 1990s tv shows,

but he’s here, he didn’t leave me, us.

He was physically present

even though he was emotionally absent.

He took care of his parents, his wife, his kids

while working not 1, not 2, but 3 jobs!

I was jealous of the time he put into his jobs and not me,

but despite my selfishness, I’m proud of him.

I know many people don’t have them.

Their father died, lied, cheated, mistreated,

have a mental illness, addiction, and so forth.

A father may or may not be the cause

of the proper development of a young man.

I know of a man who is successful without his father.

I know of another man with both parents, and is just as successful.

I look up to them both. They are grown men in their mid to late 20s.

Like Steve Harvey said, when a man knows who he is, what he does,

and how much he makes, he will be ready to settle down.

Their wives and children will be more than lucky to have them.

 I was going to have a child

with someone who didn’t want one.

He made a little bit more than me [$],

but he wasn’t ready for the responsibility.

He wasn’t a mature man; so can I blame him?

I did anyway; blamed him for losing my baby

when it was my body that rejected it.

Every time I looked at his face, I remembered

what I went through when I knew I was pregnant.

After it died, I fought back tears every time

I saw a pregnant woman and a little boy or girl.

I didn't want to stay with someone like that.

He had a father but it’s like he didn’t have one.

The Night Owl

“To know when to be generous and when to be firm -- this is wisdom.”

Elbert Hubbard

“Giving advice is sometimes only showing our wisdom at the expense of others.”

Anthony Shaftesbury

“The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is a knowledge of our own ignorance.”

Benjamin Franklin

“To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.”

Marilyn vos Savant

 “Talking comes by nature, silence by wisdom.”

Proverbs

“Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.”

Bob Marley

“Wisdom oft times consists of knowing what to do next.”

Herbert Hoover

Long-Distance Relationships: Better, Stronger, Healthier?

"Do we need distance to get close?" - Carrie from Sex & The City

I want to re-create
what I had 10 years ago.
I’m stuck in the past,
get me out!
To go from a caring person
at the age of 14,
to an emotional person
at the age of 17,
to an emotionless person
at the age of 21
makes me want to go
back to square one.
We argued but at least
we fought to keep
our relationship alive.
There's not enough of that.
There's too much pride. Why?

Lovey dovey, sappy happy.

I don’t want an emotional stable

nor an emotional unstable person,

someone in between.

Not a crybaby, not a hardass,

B-A-L-A-N-C-E.

It's Like Magic...

One-Liners

They didn't mean to hurt me. I hurt myself. I've been my #1 enemy. I don't relax, I play chess in my head instead.

When I’m sad, I remind myself that I have the power to control my emotions; so, I smile and live in the moment.

I want to run with you like a kid in the rain, and let you know that getting my feet wet doesn't make me afraid.

The more I know what I want, the more I’ll figure out who I want to keep, and who needs to leave.

Being able to embrace your vulnerability is one form of accepting yourself.

I know people aren’t all the same, but the similarities are undeniable.

Just friends, nothing less, nothing more. Don’t like it, close the door.

I was afraid of the ending, but now I’m excited for the beginning.

You have to experience the pain in order to enjoy the gain.

I don’t lie. I just change my mind...a lot!

If you don’t try, why should I...right?

Self-Esteem

Just because...[I'm alone, I feel lonely, etc.]

...DOES NOT mean I'm unlovable

a thought is just that:

A

T.H.O.U.G.H.T

In order to be OK

with others,

YOU

[yeah, I'm talking to you =]

need

to be

OK

with yourself

first!

No one can help you BUT yourself

No one can love you LIKE yourself

No one will do anything FOR you

cuz you're Using them

as a way to HEAL your wounds

[It's also selfish and too much pressure

for the person on the receiving end]

we have all been

f**ked .over.

f**ked .with.

so learn from it

open your eyes

open your mind

cuz something good

came from IT

if you don't see it yet

you'll see it

when history repeats ITSELF

=O

it took me 10 years

R.I.P. insecure me at the young age of 13

Wise Words From My Wise Elders:

DrOp iT

LeT iT gO

SnAp OuT oF iT

all have IT in it

cuz that IT is insignificant

when you think about it

actually don't think about IT!

“To Regret Or Not To Regret”
[March 8, 2011]

Sometimes I wish I could've read people’s minds.
So I didn’t have to analyze what they thought or not.
And see whether I should’ve given them another chance or not…

But I have to remind myself that I did what was best for me.
I did all that I could with the resources I had available.
It’s okay to regret not holding on a little bit longer…

But I wasn’t fond of the loud insecurity that crept up in my mind.
Wondering and worrying if others knew something I didn’t.
I wanted to be that person they could confide in.

I don’t regret trying new things and feeling this alive.
I don’t regret re-connecting with my old friends.
Talking to new people who I learn from and inspire.

Taking the time out to take care of my needs.
Instead of taking over the conversation, listening to someone.
Hearing them speak and for the first time getting to know the real me <3

"This Too Shall Pass"

I broke up with him cuz I was tired of the routine.

The last few months were rough on my self-esteem.

I tried almost anything to get that connection back.

But there was something in us we both lacked [love].

I told him how he made me feel, he got defensive.

I was mad at myself but he wasn’t comprehensive.

I got louder, and he didn’t know what to say or do.

I’m sorry for the anguish I must have put him through.

He watched television while I drifted off to sleep.

He played games in order to distract his feelings.

He stared at females and interrupted my speaking.

He continued doing him, that’s why I had to do me.

.Cross.

"...every woman is in me

Fall back and just let me be"

“Please” - Toni Braxton

I LiVe for the SunSet

I see all my loved ones

who passed away

 smiling at me

I see MY SAVIOR

+ Jesus Christ +

The Purest Love

Break-Ups

"Ready?"

I can get over you

‘cause I barely knew you

Almost two years and all you did was hide

I wanted to find out

what was behind that blank stare in your eyes

It was too late to undo

when you stopped caring how I felt deep inside

You slowly pushed me aside

I readily gave you kisses and held you tight

I fell out of love with you

when the relationship was just me, myself, and I

I was tired of wanting to try

The loneliness had taken away my desire to sleep

No one to hold me or love me

As I slept beside you in anger, I continued to cry

I was not ready to say goodbye

I waited for you to show me the littlest of signs

But something was not right

I was not even close to the top on your list of priorities
It was me against your world!

I was at the bottom where I did not deserve to be

I am already over you

‘cause there was no way

I would still choose you
when you had no clue what you were about to lose

I walked through the hall and I faked a smile cuz you walked way ahead of me and couldn’t wait awhile. Your friends said we look cute together but they didn’t really know deep down my heart was dying because your feelings never showed. You think you're a very good actor but I'm positive that I'm a better one cuz I was able to see passed the charm and rehearsed lines and finally say, CUT!