Lonely People Who Use Me

You needed me. I never needed you. I wanted you but you avoided me. I lost trust and paved my way through... without you. I've met another you but I'm done Focusing all my energy and mind in finishing school.

Put on Earth by God to Love My Man

I just wanted to feel what it was like to not be taken for granted or taken advantage of and God sent me this angel (twice) to conceal the ruthless scars within my heart.

It was Thanksgiving and we were spending it with his family, which I was happy to partake in. As we were walking to his aunt's house, he said something I didn't like, so I became silent and angry. Then he wanted to know what was wrong, and I wouldn't budge. It's like I held onto the anger for safe-keeping when I just wanted to cry. We were still holding hands and little by little, the walking came to a minimal stop. I didn't know what to say so I started balling. I told him, "I'm so sad." I told him I was contemplating ending my life. "I feel like no one cares about me." I explained to him that people kept walking out of my life and how hurt, tired, and hungry I've been. Also, I don't know what I'm living for anymore. He said, "What about me? My heart will break if you do that to yourself." We stood in the middle of the block with him holding me tight and me crying. Luckily my contact lens got stuck somewhere in my eye and I laughed trying to get it back into place. Then I realized that God did that to distract me from the situation <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
My hero's calling...

The One that Stood Me Up After a Death...

I lay in my bed crying remembering the times you were here and I felt important. Since your absence, I have felt empty and zombie-like. I remember you holding me in your arms when I felt unwanted and worthless. I remember you carressing my body with your soft hands and making me feel alive. I remember your rapid breath and heartbeat as you fell asleep in front of me. When I looked into your eyes in the morning, afternoon, and night, I would find pieces of myself in you.

I long for that mutual connection but I doubt I'll get it and be treated nicely at the same time. You said you liked me yet played me and got a girlfriend. My ex came back for me and I went cuz I was hurt and obviously still in love with him even though he had became cold towards the end of our relationship. You knew I was bi-polar, but he didn't, and he deserved a second chance at figuring me out and loving me for me.

It's "amazing" (one of your words) how it's been a year and I still see images of you through people in public. I've seen your frizzy curly hair, your light brown eyes, your raggedy facial hair, your bummy style of dressing. I took double takes to see if it was really you, but it wasn't. They were strangers, just like you have become to me. It's like you never existed and my reality hurts knowing you won't bless me with your presence ever again. You have gone with the wind. You're like all the rest; the only way I'll see you is in my dreams, which as I wake, is a terrible feeling.

P.S. I don't miss your lonely late night texts. As a matter of fact, I ignore everyone who texts me at night.

"Group Therapy"

I feel connected to you in so many ways; let me explain.

It could've been the moment I saw you sleeping at the table

while everyone around you was having a conversation,

the fact that your name was the same name of an old friend,

or when you spoke, I wanted to stop and just listen to you.

What I was sure of was that I wanted you to be my friend.


I didn't know what to say or do to get close to you,

but luckily for me, I didn't have to do or say anything.

We were sitting around separate tables in the same room.

You began saying out loud how your phone wasn't working.

I said, "Humph" and asked what kind of phone you had.

You told me then got up from your seat and sat next to me,

and the next thing I knew we were having a conversation

about all the different types of food, especially meats.


I was afraid of music because last time, I heard voices.

Despite that, I liked you 'cause you played upbeat songs like

Nicki Minaj's "Starships" and Trey Songz's "Successful".

You inspired me to listen to music and sing again.


I looked forward to the times I could hear you speak.

I would try to ask interesting questions each week.

It didn't matter if I knew more information about you

than you knew about me; I'd let you in eventually.


When I'd miss a day, you started to wonder where I was.

I'd briefly explain and then asked, "Did you miss me?"

You would smile and nod your head and if I was depressed,

it would go away and I would be cheerful instead.


There were days we would rarely speak, which bothered me.

I noticed that the only way I could talk to you

was if I was sitting next to you by the computers.

You introduced me to so many new songs,

and it was the greatest when we would sing along.

Something I'd say would make you giggle,

and something you'd do would make me crack up.

Our days were no good if we hadn't made each other laugh.


It was a cold morning and we were sitting side by side.

There was a silent but familiar pain inside my chest

as tears ran down my face and I quietly wept.

Not many have seen me cry and this was not the time,

but I needed someone to hold me close and not let go.

As I thought about all the ones I'd loved too much,

and reminiscenced about the times we'd touch,

you looked at me; acknowledged my presence,

and I felt comforted when you carressed my hand.

I had a feeling you'd seen me like no one else can.

That's why I can say you are the best friend I never had.

Luck

I just got his text and my heart jumped. I get this angst when I don’t get his text. He’s my boyfriend so I shouldn’t be worried, right? But then again, shouldn’t I be worried ‘cause he is my boyfriend?

We’ve been together for 3 years and change. We went through a break-up, but we count the time we weren‘t together. Why? He wanted to, and I didn‘t disagree with it. I believe it makes it easier; better.

Poetry:
I was still in love with him throughout
the whole year we were apart.
I couldn’t just take him out of my heart.
All that hate I harbored for his behavior
towards me at the end of our relationship
was anger in my mind
but love resonated from the start.

He means a lot to me 'cause he's not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend at the same time. Our relationship has surpassed friendships and relationships. He's the longest relationship and friendship I've ever had. We're soulmates; plain and simple.

I was never good at keeping friends or friends were never good at keeping me? All I know is that I was meant to love and be loved. I got lucky some may say, but I lucked out when it came to having a support network outside of my family that could last longer than a year and a half, and a job I could hold longer than nine months.

I believe that some people are either better at having boyfriends or having friends. I'm better at having boyfriends. If you have both great friends and a wonderful boyfriend, you're extremely lucky in my eyes.

The generation I grew up around seem to be better at having friends.They all went to public school where people were more talkative and mischievous then disciplined and studious. I went to private school and was that good little quiet girl who didn't want to disappoint her already dysfunctional and argumentative parents. I would do anything; be anybody I forced myself to be just to not get hit for making a mistake or yelled at for failing a class.

Friendship

Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself — and especially to feel. Or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to — letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending — performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act — and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image — they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it — they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession. - Jim Morrison

If I'm not good enough to be a friend Than, you need to like your self first Cause there is nothing wrong with me. - Karen S.Magee

I never had better friends than the friends I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone? - Stand By Me

A true friend laughs at your stories even when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your troubles even when they're not so bad. - Anonymous

When you are too busy for friends, you are too busy. - Unknown

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. - Arnold H. Glasow

The loss of a friend is like that of a limb; time may heal the anguish of the wound, but the loss cannot be repaired. - Robert Southey

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.” 
― Mark Twain

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” 
― Virginia Woolf

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.” 
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies.” 
― Dorothy Allison, Bastard Out of Carolina

“Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last.” 
― Greg Evans

Love or Addiction?

Certain love songs make love seem

like it’s supposed to be an addiction.

No wonder we are co-dependent.

No wonder people feel twice as hurt.

You’re left empty wanting more

but your drug is nowhere to be found.

Then you start going through withdrawal.

Your drug went to go find his or her high,

possibly in another, possibly in themselves.

If it’s in another, that may or may not be bad

depending who or what is really going down.

If it’s themselves, that’s perfectly normal.

Love is NOT an addiction.

Love is trust…ing yourself.

That no matter what, you will be fine.

Was listening to Cold Play “The Scientist” when I wrote this:

I’ve been having long…deep…
conversations about expectations and control.
And I realized that what we give is what we get in return.
We say we don’t want people to expect but we expect! Grr
We say we don’t want people to control but we control! Grr
And I just want to start fresh, no expectations, no control.
I don’t know how to go about it but I will let you guys know.
Once I stop expecting too much from myself
and trying to control all the changes around me,
I think I’ll be good. *crosses fingers*

Expect:

You want me to be like you

so you sit on my heart

to try to get me to feel.

I want you to be like me

so I sit on your mind

to try to get you to think.

Control:

You want to hold me close.

Is it for me to lose myself in you,

or for you to lose yourself in me?

Do you want me to depend on you

so strength you gain,

or do you want to depend on me

to diminish your pain?

I want to hold you far.

I don’t want you to see my scars

‘cause when it gets hard,

I tragically fall apart.

The beat of my heart is so loud.

I want you to be strong now.

Pick yourself up off the ground

And listen to the sound

Of your steps rising above the crowd.

More smiles, less frowns.

Life

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.”

Rosanne Cash quotes “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson quotes “Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes “You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life isdifferent because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens.”

I Had

I have to pick up the broken pieces of my heart you chewed.
I had to pick up the broken pieces of the glass that I threw.

I have to watch the time pass as quickly as I am waiting.
I had to watch the time pass as slowly as I was fading.

I have to grow out of you; it hurts you ’cause it’s true.
I had to grow; it freed me from loving me, not you.

How the Loner Becomes the Socialite

When I love and it is unreturned
or when I leap and get burned,
I transform into the loner.
I internalize things so I don’t hurt
anyone else around me due to
my mental state but I keep myself happy
eating comfort foods and partaking in my hobbies.

When I’m sad, I eat lots of chocolate (cookies and candy)
and anything with cheese (pizza and pasta).
I like to listen and write to R&B songs.
When I’m mad, I’ll rap, dance, or hit the gym.
I dance to Hip-Hop, Reggaeton, Bachata, and Merengue.

I’ve written my feelings in letters
to people in poems, songs, quotes and texts.
If I’ve tried to keep them in my life,they've definitely gotten one or more of those.
I distracted myself taking pictures of nature or relatives.
I learned from the elderly and youth
when I asked questions and they answered them.

How to Treat Caring People

Like a child, I suffered from separation anxiety.
Now that I have a better understanding of it,
when I walk away from children and the elderly,
who are happy to see me, but feel sad when I leave,
I say, “Don’t forget me, I won’t forget you.”
Sometimes I think couples and friends
should exchange those words, too.
The world would be a better place
but I forget that so many people
are used to holding grudges
and not knowing how to swallow their pride.
It's like no one taught them that sometimes
people don't mean to intentionally hurt others.
Also, did anyone teach anyone to forgive?

No one told me or reassured me by saying,
"It's going to be okay," or "You're going to be okay,"
when someone I knew moved or worse, passed away.
I equated moving as death like never seeing their face.
I had family, friends, boyfriends not explain they'd be back.
They disappeared for years and I felt so guilty.
I blamed myself as if I had done something wrong
and that’s why from time to time,
I have to hide away and let go of these tears.
The more I’ve let my guard down,
the more the men in my life refused to see or hear
how I suffered; their behavior re-opened old wounds.
It happened when someone would say nice things,
but then all of a sudden act like they didn't want me near.

I Was The Bad Girl...Who F**ked Over The Good Ones...After The Bad Ones F**ked Me Over

The bad girl/bad boy veins will boil when they get mad

at you for not doing what they want,

and you give them no reaction =D

Stop control right in it’s tracks!!!

I am the GOOD girl...

who turned BAD...

then changed for GOOD!

You would think that the person

with the most control in a partnership

is the one who controls his/her emotions.

Nope, it’s the person who doesn’t know how to

and blames everyone for their reactions.

They use their emotions to get their way

in every situation in THEIR favor.

They play the victim (pity me).

How do I know? That was me.

No, I don‘t pity those

who only come to me

when THEY need something.

I don’t think so.

Get up and get yourself a life.

Cuz when I reached out to you and

wanted to talk/have you listen to me,

you didn't respond/left me for the

people YOU cared about
and failed to realize

I blindly cared about you

more than I cared about myself.
Why are you jealous
that my family and friends
are here for me
when YOU played me?
Did you really expect me
to fall to pieces 'cause of you?!
I got better things to do
that don't include
close-minded people like you.
Oh please, get off your high horse.
I'm free of your necessities.
You didn't pick up your
side of the bargain.
Now they are picking up your slack.

Now I roll with those I care about

and care about me equally.

Unfortunately, it's not you

and you can't be mad,

but you will and you'll cry

cuz being over 21 does not

deem you an adult

when you still

think and behave

like a baby...

GIMME. GIMME. GIMME.

No, you haven't changed.

You're still the pitiful b*tch

that you were when I first met you.

I took you back too many times,

and you still didn't believe

I would have risked my life;

taken a bullet for you.

Why? When I know you wouldn't

get up your lazy ass and do it for me.

No, you're not worth it "baby".

Why Not to Be Too Needy, Sensitive and Selfish...

Cuz in this world of instability, you need some sort of STABILITY.

I love my mom and gravitated to wacky people like her,
but for me, wacky won't get me anywhere but petty arguments
'cause I'm never sure how they feel about me and vice versa.
It's like they twist my words around and make it seem
like I hurt their feelings and it's very tiring to try to justify
every act and word. Glad to say I respect my father so much
more than before cuz although my mom left him so many times
cuz of her insecurities, he always took her back and made an effort
to do things differently as to not repeat history. He's the calm, my mom is the storm.

I appreciate people who don't just say it, but do change for the better.
If you can't pick yourself up off the ground, how will I be sure that
you won't try to kick me when I'm down...just to have somebody around?
I think if you trust in those few people who have seen you grow up and blossom,
seen your strengths and weaknesses and are still there; that you won't ever feel the need
to argue but to talk it out. But If I talk and pour my heart out, and you don't listen or reply,
F U for leaving me hanging. You'll see how it feels one day and you won't like it, but you can't be mad!