Woman's Intuition

I'm mad because I wanted to fall in love.
I'm sad because I wanted to fall in love with you.
I was falling in love with your words.
I wanted to believe that you could fall in love with me too.
I felt that feeling you get when you feel you've connected
with someone on a level only both of you can understand.
I forget that it's all in my head and it's usually one-sided.
It was too good to be true. Something was "off" and I couldn't
put my finger on it. It just seemed like a sick joke.
You were probably doing who knows who,
smoking who knows what and I was being faithful to you?
Someone I didn't even know but I do know when
someone is hiding something from me and I don't like it!
You pushed back while I wanted to get close but then got closer.
You were a liar; a fake. A person without a real name or age.
This was insane. You were a little twisted inside; I could tell.
I'm a good face reader. Something deep in your eyes wasn't well.
It was like reading myself but I want to ultimately go to heaven.
You just want to take me on your crazy joyride to hell.

Still Bitter

January 25, 2015 - 9:50AM

Dear Future Soulmate,

I need you. I'm torn.
I can't invest so much on education
if I'm not going to finish,
if I don't want it bad enough
and if I don't believe in myself.
I've failed before many times
with school, work and relationships.
I'm so sad and angry inside even though
I smile and look "beautiful" outside
(not beautiful enough for superficial
assholes and too beautiful for
ugly b*tches inside and out
who try too hard to look and feel pretty).
I don't have as much patience.
I'm afraid of my own success and happiness.
I have days I don't want to talk to anyone.
I have days I don't want to listen to anyone.
Help me.

Love,
B

P.S. I'm going to church to praise God. Hope you're doing the same :)

Grateful/Thankful

If you're happy with what you're doing
and I'm happy with what I'm doing,
we can be happy together.
We respect each other's time and work ethic.
We trust that no matter what,
we're going to be there for each other.
Most importantly during the bad
'cause the people you can celebrate with
are the ones who share your passion.

I appreciate everyone who's been there
for me during the bad times.
You'd think it's not a lot I go through
because of the smile on my face
but many people brought me back to life
when I felt dead last year;
from friends to acquaintances
to celebrities to family.
Thank you God!!!

My Transformation

I stopped being a listener cuz I didn't wanna hear anymore. When you become someone's sounding board, the person dumps all their crap on you. They're so consumed w/ their problems to listen to what you're going through. I would come home & dump my pile on the ppl I loved & didn't want it to be that way. The less friends, the better. Then I became a talker...since 2008. That's a long ass time. I unconsciously pushed everyone away w/ my negativity & "problems" til last yr when I realized I had to take draining ppl who had no direction out of my life. I called them plagues. Then my mom changed like 2 face recently & I realized I didn't have a bf (specifically my ex) to console me, to calm me down, to run to, to take me out & I cried. I needed someone who understood ME; knew the old me. I'm tired of opening up to new ppl only to have them cut me off or vice versa. I wasn't ready to let anyone leading me on or having a double life in. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting. How do I fool the world? I TALK, I LAUGH, I MAKE JOKES so they don't have to ask what's wrong but I had no words. I had no audience to play pretend FOR THE FIRST TIME. The pain was written all over my face. I'm glad I didn't have anyone to turn to because I discovered that all along I was 2 face. For the first time I realized how MY BEHAVIOR affected everyone around me. I felt so bad about who I hurt along the way but friendships & relationships are a two way street. I can't fight for someone who's never fought for me. I was upset at that fact that no one told me I was cold. Maybe they did but not the nicest way. I cried some more. I told my sis that I was sad. She told me I had to let it out. I told her that I couldn't. She said it would eat me up inside. I knew she was right. I had an instinct to reach out to someone who I felt would be able to be there for me & I contacted a few others just in case he wouldn't respond. I was like what the hell, it's worth a try. I need a friend. I wasn't gonna dump my probs through a text. That's OD. Luckily I saw him & he was surprised I was quiet & for the first time since my ex I was able to open up to a guy in person about my private life...without crying. He said how the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I laughed cuz I remember last yr telling him he didn't know me; the real me but I was wrong. How could a person, who spent less than a month throughout the 8 yrs combined in my company, know me so well?!

"True Story" [Poem]

My Version:
I dreamt of her;
the girlfriend you loved
but killed 'cause she was leaving.
Yes, that night I saw
your face in my head.
I woke up and saw the paper
that read the blonde hair,
blue-eyed, white girl was dead.
I wanted to scream out loud.
I wanted to scratch your eyes out,
but you're in prison for murder now
and she's in a better place somehow.

Her Version:
I told you I was leaving.
I was tired
of your jealousy
and possessiveness.
I'm a mess
but you don't seek help.
You're depressed
and taking us to hell
so I turned my back.
That's when you drew
the knife in your hand.
You had no problem
taking a stab at my back.
Who knew loving you
would kill me literally?
I should've spent that time
listening to my friend's advice:
"Girl, he doesn't love you.
He's playing nice
'cause he controls you
and that's a fact.
He's dark deep down
putting on an act."

"Ride or Die" [Poem]

I dream of them shooting you, boo.
I dream of them shooting me, too.
I dream of them killing you.
I dream of me bleeding, too.
I dream of them taking a shot
at me but it was a hit and a miss.
I dream of killing a motherfucker
with a knife, a gun, a sword
and I let him go with a kiss.
I did it for you.
I did it for me.
It was pure bliss.

"She Cheated on Me" [Poem]

She cheated on me;
that's what they tell me.
How many times are you
going to lie to me?
Why can't you tell me
that you cheated first
and she only cheated
to get back at you?
Why do you take it out on me?
I had nothing to do with it!

Why am I caught up in between?
I'm here to love you, to be loyal
to give you what you need;
what you said she couldn't give you
but it's not enough, obviously.
You're at the club staring
at a phat ass 'cause that's what's in,
although you claimed you liked thin.

I'm at home alone watching tv
and thinking you are tuned
into Grey's Anatomy just like me.
I'm thinking you're faithful
while you're liking pictures
that you told me I couldn't
put up on InstaGram or Facebook.
You have a picture and a video
that you saved on your iPhone; whoa!

I watched as she rubbed her hiney
on the man that can't keep
his dick in his pants;
a man I wanted to marry!
You're deadass pissing on me,
my friends and my family
'cause you're playing me
like a musical instrument.
You say you love me
but where's the intimacy;
the goddamn commitment?
You wouldn't know about it!
I'm dissing all these fellas
looking for a pass at my ass;
the one you used to
have no problem publicly
trying to slap and grab.

"Mama's Boys" [Poem]

You think I'm scared
of you breaking my heart
like all the players from the start.
I'm upset you disrespect women;
that in reality you hate us
and will want to tear us apart.
Your mama spoiled you
to the point you think it's okay
to strip them down to the ground;
have your way with them
'cause they're too weak
to see underneath;
to see what I see.
You ain't all you appear to be.
Contrary to popular belief,
I'm not the type of female
who will put up
with your bullshit baby
'cause if you attempt
to treat me like a nobody,
I will show you the monster
your cartoon character
will bring out of my body.