Dream

I dreamt that my dad was sitting on his couch looking up at me. He said, "Brenda, 0 friends." I yelled at him, "I hate you!" Then proceeded to cry uncontrollable with so much pain in my body.

My dream felt so real that I could feel my body shake in my bones. It's been a tough road when it comes to friendships. I attract emotionally unavailable women just like my dad. They have masculine tendencies, which is to ignore me. I cut the cord by ghosting them. It's a never-ending pattern that I learned to help me survive as I was growing up. I know it's not healthy, but the alternative would be me talking out my feelings and I don't do that...at all! Only when it comes to my sister.

You can say I'm afraid of confrontation, but I'm afraid of women in general because of my mom's outbursts. I don't want to ruffle any feathers.

The reason why I still ghost people is because it serves a need or purpose for me, which is to have hate in my heart. It hardens my heart and with that anger, I use it to motivate me to accomplish my goals. Without the hate in my heart and happiness instead, I would be complacent. In turn, I believe I wouldn't be able to make a change or transformation in my life if I was happy. Happy people settle. At least I do when I'm in relationships or jobs. If I'm not happy, I start looking elsewhere for it. When it pertains to relationships, I'll start looking for what makes me happy, which are my hobbies: writing, singing and dancing. When it pertains to jobs, I'll start looking for other jobs.