God Is Good

- I received my school loan and only had to pay $60 for the rest of the tuition.

- I received my school health insurance and made a doctor's appointment (have to make more).

- I received my medications due to the new psychiatrist I found on PsychologyToday.

- I didn't have to submit my immunization records because classes are online.

- Classes will be conducted on Zoom. I already have homework but I'm excited. One article was 21 pages, a chapter of a book is 39 pages and the last article is 4 pages, with names of organizations I have to google.

Uncertainty

- My loan has yet to kick in for my Fall 2020 tuition.
- My insurance has yet to kick in so I can go to the doctor's and get a refill on my prescriptions.
- My insurance has yet to kick in so I can send Fordham my immunization records.
- My period hasn't come and I have to go run tests on why that is, but waiting for insurance.
- I don't know what method of teaching is going to be provided for me. Zoom, no zoom, both?

Español

"El me da mas

de lo que no quiero

y menos de lo que

me encanta."

- Hablando de mi papa 

Update

I'm happy I was strong enough to not contact Freddy despite the fact that I kept hearing his name in the tv shows. I was about to give in and apologize for not answering when my mom said that he probably contacted me cuz he was bored. I put 2 and 2 together and realized that he was contacting me cuz he was drunk! It would be pointless talking to him while sober. I have nothing to say to him. I don't know what he would have to say to me. A lie that him and his girl broke up. He said that he keeps going back to her cuz he loves her. Obviously, he would never choose me. I would have to have some kind of dignity and self-esteem to leave and stay that way. The sad thing to say is that he played me. The whole time he never mentioned that he had a girl.

Words That I Couldn't Put Into Songs

I can't stay mad at you for long.

What I'm feeling for you is strong.

Don't come checking for me cuz I have moved on.
Don't go texting me cuz I have blocked you.
I'm still close to your family and friends,

but that don't mean I want you, this has come to an end.

I feel good when I'm with you.

Don't you take that away from me.

I'm down to do anything.

Just say the word.

Don't leave me here all alone.

You are the place I call home.

When you walked away, you didn't leave a hole in my heart after all.
When you walked away, I didn't need anyone to save me from the fall.

When you walked away, I only cried for 2 days.
When you walked away, I got on my knees and prayed.

When you walked away, all my fears went and left.
When you walked away, you were so easy to forget.
You never really made the effort to keep me from the start.
It's better that we are apart.

Not so lucky in love.
A couple of times I tripped up.
Not so lucky in love.
They did their thing and fucked up.

Don't make me wait by the phone for you.

I hate having to do things I don't want to do.

Don't tell me what to do.
Don't tell me what to say.
This isn't BK,
you can't have it your way.

Waiting for you to make your move.

It feels like forever with you.

I guess this is something I gotta get used to.

She's got you and she's got your soul.
You moved in with her and gave her a ring.
With you, I never really felt whole.
I was empty because there was nothing you could bring.

Tossing and turning wondering
where I went wrong.
Tossing and turning wondering
where you went left.

Wishing I was with you but you're unavailable.

You got things to do and there's no room for me.

Wishing you cared a little bit more but that's hard to do

being a narcissist and all.

I don't know how I fell in love with you.

I must've been blind or deaf to put up with you.

All the things I've seen and heard

couldn't come from someone that I thought

would be my world.

I know I messed up but that doesn't mean I don't love you.
I know I messed up but am I able to still come through.

I hate it when you have to leave so early.

I hate it when you come out of work so late.

"Pain" [Poem]

You give me a headache but I love it.
When I go to sleep, I fear the worst
cuz I'm used to bad things happening.
If you're around, I don't have to do it.
The reason I don't want to let you go
is plain and simple. I live for the pain.
I don't love myself enough so I need
someone to constantly prove it to me.

Letter To My Ex (Unsent)

I dreamt
of you again.

I miss you.

I wish I could

talk to you

everyday

about my life

and what has

been happening.

You're not here

and you won't

ever be.

I have to
accept that,

unfortunately.

I could be OPEN and HONEST with you.
I don't feel that way in my relationship.
I feel like I have to keep things to myself
for fear that he would know the real me
and not be able to accept me or love me
because I don't think you could do that.
I feel like I have to hide who I was;
the failure in school or work, the bipolar
disorder chick, the sad, angry, jealous
and insecure girl I had been in our relationship.

OoOh what a release it feels to be able to let this out.

I thought that the old me had died and changed,

but sometimes she comes back and makes a guest appearance.

I dreamt of you again.

I couldn't accept a job offer in the company my bf works in.

Although it is the ideal 9-5 job I need,

I didn't work so hard in college to work

at a place that has nothing to do with my major.

I didn't think it would bring us closer.

I was afraid it would tear us apart.

I didn't want to feel pressured to talk to anyone.

I didn't want to feel pressured to make friends.

I didn't want to feel pressured to outperform.

I didn't want to feel pressured to like it.

I didn't want to feel pressured to stay.

I didn't want to endure back pain

just to prove to him I am the one.

Jobs

On January 14, 2020, I got 2 job offers. I should've been happy but I was more confused than ever. 

Let's start off by saying that I had an interview on January 3rd at my boyfriend's place of employment. To me it went well because I was there for an hour that even my mom was even worried for my well-being. Then while I was walking home, I received a phone call from the HR manager saying that the manager of the company was considering me as a candidate to hire. I was excited because I thought I had the job but before that occurred, I had to send it 5 references and fill out a job application.

Then when I was in jury duty, I received an e-mail requiring me to fill out information that was already on my resume. While I was filling that out, I received a phone call from the HR manager saying that she was glad that I got the references in, but that she needed another employer. To me, it was going to be difficult to get because one of them was on maternity leave and the other was not so friendly because she never replied to my e-mails while I worked there. Let's just say that I felt stressed! I completed the form, but didn't think about sending anyone an e-mail til later or the next day. I can't quite remember because jury duty seemed to be the same thing everyday.

While I was waiting for 1 of my references to pull through, I decided to apply to other jobs. I mean, why not? There was no guarantee I was going to get the job and I didn't know if I could count on a 6th reference! That's OD for a job. Let me just put that out there. No place has every asked for more than 3 references. Luckily, I knew people. If not, I would've been screwed.

Anyway, all my references completed their forms but I still had not heard anything from the HR manager. Day 1 passed, day 2, day 3 and nothing. On day 3 I received a familiar phone call and I answered it. It was John Jay! I had applied to a position in the Admissions Office, and I was getting a call for an interview. The man asked what days I was free and I said, "Tomorrow til Friday." He said, "Tomorrow," and I said, "Okay." He asked, "What time?" and I said, "2 PM." He thought I said 12 but there was no way I was going to make it at 12 when I decided to pick up my medication with my mom at 10 AM the next morning, go out to eat breakfast and get my passport picture taken. That was an eventful day!

I received a call from the HR manager before and after the interview. One was just to get information and other was to offer me the job, in which I said, "Yes." I didn't know what else to say! This was after I had the interview with the man from John Jay and he hired me on the spot! Unbelievable, right?

My heart was with John Jay but my mind was with my boyfriend's company. I didn't want to let my boyfriend down, but I didn't want to let him down either if I got the job and felt stuck. Stuck because I felt forced to like it and stay there so I wouldn't make my boyfriend look bad! It was tough waking up the next day with this predicament, but it wasn't a tough decision. All I know is that I didn't want to say, "No," to the man because he was so happy to hire me and introduce me to the people that worked there. I felt appreciated and wanted. I felt like I belonged. My mom said that I felt like I was home. John Jay has always been my second home ever since I went to class there and worked there. I spent more time there than my own home so of course, I had grown fond of it. Plus, while I was waiting for the HR manager, I decided to apply for graduate school at John Jay in the Forensic Mental Health Counseling field. It was more of what I wanted to become. I couldn't picture working at a place that wasn't my calling and just for the money. 

The only problem was my back pain. It was a chronic issue that just wouldn't go away. I was afraid that if I worked at my boyfriend's company they wouldn't understand the back pain I would feel working 9 AM - 5 PM. Working part-time would be more convenient due to the fact that I have doctor appointments to attend to. I have so many issues that I don't even want to discuss here because they're so private. I even try to ignore them even though I know I shouldn't. It can lead to cancer and that's a big one. I don't want to worry me nor anyone else. When that time comes, I will deal with it. For now, I want to pretend that it's not possible that I may die young.

Lastly, my boyfriend wants to go to Disney World and my sister wants to go to Bermuda this summer. If I accepted my boyfriend's company's offer, I wouldn't be able to take off for that. I would be stuck working because I only get vacation time after 6 months. I would be working less than 6 months. Bummer!

Anyway, I haven't mentioned this chaos to anyone, just here. I mentioned to my sister bits and pieces but not the 2 job offers. If that time comes that I can't hold it or it is revealed, I'll say something. Other than that, I'll just act like my boyfriend's company didn't hire me :-\