*~* Wise Words *~*

I remember wanting to hear from someone close, or going online for some inspirational or motivational quotes. Instagram was that for me for awhile, but it slowly faded out. I look to Threads but even that can get redundant because if all I read or I'm surrounded by negative-minded people, it is hard to get out of that loop. I even looked for wisdom from mediums, psychics, and tarot cards but I kind of see where believing in them takes you away from God.

I recall sleeping and woke up screaming because I heard the tarot cards "falling" from my table. I put falling in quotations because I think they were thrown on the floor. What is usually thrown on the floor? Garbage. My sister said that maybe the cards had a message. No, in my heart of hearts I didn't believe that if something had a message, that it would wake me up at night in a violent way, and cause me to scream nonetheless. I had thrown them in the garbage, but because I thought my sister knew better *rolls eyes*, I took them out of the garbage and placed them on my desk but farther away from the edge. So, this time they wouldn't fall. Then one night, my night light lit up my room and turned red. I was like, "Great, it's the enemy's presence." Then it turned green and I thought of the Broadway play, "Wicked". I felt scared and I wanted to pay attention to my intuition and not what my sister's crystals said they meant. Red is "love" and green is "luck". Yeah okay!

I usually turn to YouTube to listen to what life coaches/motivational speakers/singers/musicians/actors/actresses have to say. I didn't grow up with role models or mentors, so I turn to my external world to give me that. I grew up watching Serena Williams on television and that was fun. Maybe that's where my obsession with celebrities came from, but their story is one to look up to because most came from nothing and made something of themselves. Now that song from Drake popped into my head, "One Dance".

It's simnilar to how everyone wants the "secret to a successful marriage" except I want the secret to success and how to maintain it. It's taken awhile for me because of my medical issues along with letting the enemy and his minions deter me. I usually open my mouth and get excited about my plans, but I realized some people don't want to listen to it, have an opinion/judgment on it, or want to put me down for it. So, I've realized that keeping it to myself, praying about it to God, writing it in my journal or only telling my therapist is good enough.

Changes

I was asked to go to an interview and initially I was excited because I can make good money, but then the fact that it can lead to burnout or I have to be on-call is not so appealing. Also, I emailed them to give me the address of the interview location, but I didn't get a response. It's been more than a week and if they don't care then why should I? I don't like having to pull teeth.

My dad was paying my phone bill for a long time now, but I was sick and tired of having to wait for him to pay the phone bill on time. Once or twice it happened that I was walking around with no service. I was highly upset. I never wanted that to happen again, and I told him I would get my own phone but he kept telling me not to. I tried to get my number switched to an ATT plan and they kept saying my phone number had to be unlocked by MetroPCS. That wasn't going to happen so this year, I bought an ATT phone and I'm paying my own phone bill. I feel good cuz I like the new phone (it's bigger) and my new phone number, which many people don't have. Too many people had my old number, which I've had for about a decade.

The Only Constant by Najwa Zebian

Chapter 1:

I learned that not standing up for myself is a form of self-abandonment. So, when I let people say what they wanted to say about me or to me, I was making myself feel less than. It's like I was tossing myself in the corner like a ragdoll. Like whatever. I want to have some prompts to have ready for when the situation presents itself:

"Please don't speak to me like that."

"Please don't insult me like that."

"Please don't raise your voice at me."

Najwa Zebian mentioned about having a father or father figure, who validated you, because you did well in school; based on your achievements. Then trying to seek that same validation from others. When we don't get it, we try to change the person to fit that mold. I remember getting money from my dad as a way he showed his love. So, sometimes I go out of my way to spend a lot of money or give people money in exchange for their love. That way is too easy to get taken advantage of and taken for granted.

When I tell people I'm going back to school or tell those closest to me that I got a new job, and they say or show that they are proud of me, I feel worthy of their love. Otherwise, if I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life, I feel like a loser.

Psychic

I have great news! I was accepted into John Jay College of Criminal Justice as well as Baruch College! I get nervous when writing a personal statement, and for some reason I thought I wouldn't be accepted. I tried to apply to other non-CUNY colleges in New York, and I wasn't able to get in. So, I had that fear in the back of my mind. That's why I didn't apply not just to 1 but 2 CUNY colleges. I'd be studying Human Rights (online) in John Jay College or Higher Education Administration (hybrid) in Baruch.

I consulted a psychic because I could not decide nor wanted to try to figure out which college I should attend. The psychic said that Baruch would be boring and that in John Jay, there would be more prospects and I would be able to evolve. It's funny because I wasn't prepared for that answer and the thought of attending John Jay didn't ignite a fire inside of me. I originally had a pros and cons list for both colleges:

Baruch

HEA

Guaranteed career placement

Hybrid classes

FWS pays more

It’s familiar but doesn’t feel like home

It’s closer

It’s harder

Classes seem interesting

John Jay

Human Rights

Non-guaranteed career placement

All online

FWS pays less

It’s familiar and feels like home

It’s farther

It’s easier

Classes seem boring

All I know is that I won't be able to attend full-time classes at Baruch if I work full-time. I think I might've put that I would like to take classes part-time at John Jay. I don't know what to do because I'm still looking at the job market. I'll re-visit this at a later date.

I Feel...

In my dream, I sensed that I was being stalked, and I was. My "best" friend kept following me (as she did in social media) and wanted to know why I wasn't speaking to her. I was angry and about to tell her, "You..." I changed my mind and said, "I feel extremely sad when I would text you and I wouldn't get a response back." She said, "I have important things to get to." I said, "Yes, I understand that but you also had time to go on Instagram." She stayed quiet.

Insecurities

A song just came on that reminded me of a friendship that I had, where I was taken for granted. We met working in a movie theater when I was 19 years old, but she was so focused on her boyfriend, that she made no time for me. She even told me that she showed him a picture of me and he said that I was hot. Why would you show him a picture of me in the first place and why would you accept that kind of response? She could've agreed and said, "Yes," or been like, "That's disrespectful for you to say." I don't think she said any of that because she was insecure.

We were on and off friends because I refused to accept the bare minimum from her but I loved and missed her so I would run back to her. I made poor decisions in who I considered my friend because of my own insecurities. I remember she was bartending and she confessed to me that she hangs out with women who are bigger than her in shape to make herself feel better about herself. I took it as a diss because I was thin back then and figured she would cut me loose because I didn't meet her standards. I obviously made her feel worse about herself.

Baruch

I dreamt I was telling my dad that I was applying to Baruch College. He asked me what I would study for my master's degree and I told him I could do business administration in management or mental health counseling.

I just remembered that and thought of applying to the college. I'm just having trouble finding people to recommend me because I have burned so many bridges. It wasn't just me, either. I had supervisors stop talking to me because I was "problematic" aka stood up for myself. I know people who would give me recommendations, but I'm tired of asking them to, you know?

Dream

I dreamt that my dad was sitting on his couch looking up at me. He said, "Brenda, 0 friends." I yelled at him, "I hate you!" Then proceeded to cry uncontrollable with so much pain in my body.

My dream felt so real that I could feel my body shake in my bones. It's been a tough road when it comes to friendships. I attract emotionally unavailable women just like my dad. They have masculine tendencies, which is to ignore me. I cut the cord by ghosting them. It's a never-ending pattern that I learned to help me survive as I was growing up. I know it's not healthy, but the alternative would be me talking out my feelings and I don't do that...at all! Only when it comes to my sister.

You can say I'm afraid of confrontation, but I'm afraid of women in general because of my mom's outbursts. I don't want to ruffle any feathers.

The reason why I still ghost people is because it serves a need or purpose for me, which is to have hate in my heart. It hardens my heart and with that anger, I use it to motivate me to accomplish my goals. Without the hate in my heart and happiness instead, I would be complacent. In turn, I believe I wouldn't be able to make a change or transformation in my life if I was happy. Happy people settle. At least I do when I'm in relationships or jobs. If I'm not happy, I start looking elsewhere for it. When it pertains to relationships, I'll start looking for what makes me happy, which are my hobbies: writing, singing and dancing. When it pertains to jobs, I'll start looking for other jobs.