The Only Constant by Najwa Zebian

Chapter 1:

I learned that not standing up for myself is a form of self-abandonment. So, when I let people say what they wanted to say about me or to me, I was making myself feel less than. It's like I was tossing myself in the corner like a ragdoll. Like whatever. I want to have some prompts to have ready for when the situation presents itself:

"Please don't speak to me like that."

"Please don't insult me like that."

"Please don't raise your voice at me."

Najwa Zebian mentioned about having a father or father figure, who validated you, because you did well in school; based on your achievements. Then trying to seek that same validation from others. When we don't get it, we try to change the person to fit that mold. I remember getting money from my dad as a way he showed his love. So, sometimes I go out of my way to spend a lot of money or give people money in exchange for their love. That way is too easy to get taken advantage of and taken for granted.

When I tell people I'm going back to school or tell those closest to me that I got a new job, and they say or show that they are proud of me, I feel worthy of their love. Otherwise, if I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life, I feel like a loser.

Psychic

I have great news! I was accepted into John Jay College of Criminal Justice as well as Baruch College! I get nervous when writing a personal statement, and for some reason I thought I wouldn't be accepted. I tried to apply to other non-CUNY colleges in New York, and I wasn't able to get in. So, I had that fear in the back of my mind. That's why I didn't apply not just to 1 but 2 CUNY colleges. I'd be studying Human Rights (online) in John Jay College or Higher Education Administration (hybrid) in Baruch.

I consulted a psychic because I could not decide nor wanted to try to figure out which college I should attend. The psychic said that Baruch would be boring and that in John Jay, there would be more prospects and I would be able to evolve. It's funny because I wasn't prepared for that answer and the thought of attending John Jay didn't ignite a fire inside of me. I originally had a pros and cons list for both colleges:

Baruch

HEA

Guaranteed career placement

Hybrid classes

FWS pays more

It’s familiar but doesn’t feel like home

It’s closer

It’s harder

Classes seem interesting

John Jay

Human Rights

Non-guaranteed career placement

All online

FWS pays less

It’s familiar and feels like home

It’s farther

It’s easier

Classes seem boring

All I know is that I won't be able to attend full-time classes at Baruch if I work full-time. I think I might've put that I would like to take classes part-time at John Jay. I don't know what to do because I'm still looking at the job market. I'll re-visit this at a later date.